May 18

Fractured Fairy Tales

by Hannah Holt »

one comment

Just for fun…


Once upon a time, over a bridge where the grass is greener, there lived three little pigs. One fine spring morning, the pigs left for a walk. A few minutes later, a girl named Red drove by and ran out of gas right in front of the pigs’ house. Red was from England and thinking ‘no one in North America pays attention to manners anyway’ walked right into the pigs’ house.

On the breakfast table, she found a steaming bowl of oatmeal. “This breakfast is too hot,” she said and walked onto the next plate, which contained stuffed french toast. “This breakfast is too French,” she said and plugged her nose. Finally she came to the last plate with toast and tea. “This breakfast is just right,” she exclaimed. “And only two Weight Watchers points!”

As she prepared to tuck-in, someone knocked on the door. Peering through the peephole, Red saw a big bad wolf. “Little pig, little pig… let me in!” the wolf hollered.

“My what a big temper you have,” called Red. “I’m not a pig, and if you think such language will induce me to open the door, you are sorely mistaken.”

“Huh?” called the wolf.

“Get lost!” yelled Red.

“I’ll give you three chances to open this door,” cried the wolf, “and then I’m gunna turn you into a goon.”

What is a goon? thought Red, but she didn’t have a chance to find out.

At that moment three billy goats came barreling over the bridge and ran smack into the wolf. As he fell, the three pigs strolled out from the forest. The wolf stood up and the pigs started squealing. Then little bunny foo-foo walked into the clearing and bopped everyone on the head. A nearby family of bears heard the pandemonium, pawed their way through the crowd, and started pounding on the front door.

Red did the only thing she could think of and called animal control.

A handsome woodsman arrived with an animal containment truck. He rounded up all the animals and sold the bears to a circus, the wolf to a zoo, the pigs to market, and the goats and bunny foo-foo to a petting zoo.

Red stared into the eyes of her rescuer and knew that this was the man for her. Red and Woody settled into the pigs’ fine brick house and lived happily ever after… until they got the bill for their property taxes. Turns out woodsmen don’t make much dough and Red couldn’t get a work visa. So they all moved into Grandma’s house.

  1. Josh

    This is the best fairy tale ever! Shrek on steroids.